Archive for 2013

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Needs To Slow-Mo Down

| TX, USA | Dating

(I just sent my boyfriend a link to a gif of B-Mo from Adventure Time.)

Boyfriend: “B-Mo! If you dressed him in black and white stripes, he would be Bee-Mo!”

Me: “When he’s really happy, he’s Glee-Mo.”

Boyfriend: “When he’s sad, is he E-Mo?”

Me: “When he’s dragged behind a boat, he’s Ski-Mo. When he’s going to the bathroom, he’s Pee-Mo. When he looks like me, he’s Me-Mo. When he’s a tiny bug, he’s Flea-Mo. When he’s a girl, he’s She-Mo. When he’s out in the ocean, he’s Sea-Mo. When he’s being cheesy, he’s Brie-Mo. When he’s not in prison, he’s Free-Mo. When he’s drinking a chai latte, he’s Tea-Mo. When he unlocks doors, he’s Key-Mo. When there’s two more of him, he’s Three-Mo. When he sprouts leaves, he’s Tree-Mo.”

Boyfriend: “That is wonderful!”

Me: “I think I’m all out.”

Boyfriend: “I think I love you!”

Should Be A Trifle Concerned

| NB, Canada | Dating

(My girlfriend and I are lying in bed. I playfully grab her behind.)

Girlfriend: “Hey!”

Me: “I can do that. I’m allowed to.”

Girlfriend: *quoting the song “Bootylicious”* “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.”

Me: “I am totally and completely ready for this jelly.”

Girlfriend: “In this situation I am doubtful of your jelly preparedness.”

Me: “I am jelly prepared. This jelly is my destiny. I have trained for this my entire life. Any jelly that I have been involved with in the past was merely practice for this one jelly.”

Girlfriend: “I’m not sure whether I should be amused, complimented, or offended.”

Me: “Probably a healthy dose of all three.”

Getting Ahead In Self-Diagnosis

| Belgium | Dating

(We are talking in bed before we go to sleep. I always fear the worst when people get sick.)

Boyfriend: “I keep getting really bad headaches lately.”

Me: “Maybe you should see a doctor?”

Boyfriend: “Nah. It’s just headache. What are they gonna do?”

Me: “Well, maybe something is wrong?”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Me: “I don’t know… Worst case, a brain tumor or something. You never know!”

Boyfriend: “That’s not possible. I don’t have that.”

Me: “What, tumors?”

Boyfriend: “No, brains!”

Getting Their Franchises All Muggled Up

| Madison, WI, USA | Dating

(My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of weeks. He is really into Star Wars, and I love Harry Potter. We are texting sweet/nerdy things to each other.)

Boyfriend: “Lame joke alert: Well, you do have me under your spell.”

Me: “Good. We witches can certainly enchant mere Muggles.”

Boyfriend: “I really need to find the Jedi Academy.”

Me: “Oh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, a Jedi and a witch together? Would be awesome!”

Me: “OH, MY GOD! YES!”

When Your Ex Does A Real Job On You

| New York, NY, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(Several years ago I started seeing a guy I met online. We only dated a couple months, but had been talking about working together right before our breakup. We went ahead with that, to great success. Years later, we’re in our company’s office, talking with a colleague. He’s also a friend of my ex’s/business partner’s, and has just gone through a breakup himself.)

Friend: “So, yeah. I think I’m ready to start dating again.”

My Ex: “Really? Good for you.”

Friend: “Yeah. I’m even considering doing the online dating thing, but I don’t know how well it’d work. Have either you guys ever done that?”

My Ex & Me: “Uh… yeah.”

Friend: “Really? You did? How well did it work?”

Me: *gesturing to my ex* “Well, it’s how I met this guy. So, I can’t say it worked for dating but it was a great job hunting tool!”