Of Freudian Slips & Lesbian Lips

, | Sydney, Australia | LGBTQ

(I’ve just had my first yoga class with a friend of mine, who is a regular at this school. We’ve just stepped out into the reception area.)

Female instructor: “So, how did you go with your first class?”

Me: “It went really well, thanks! It certainly makes you sweat that’s for sure!”

Female instructor: “Just be sure to drink lots of women.”

(My friend and I start laughing hilariously.)

Female instructor: “Water! I mean water! I can’t believe I said that!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

She’s Well Within Your League

| Houston, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My mom comes in from the back porch where she and my dad are relaxing after dinner. He comes in shortly after her.)

Mom: “I can’t believe your father. Just cannot believe him!”

Me: “Why? What’d you do, Dad?”

Dad: “I just told her that she’s the love of my life!”

Mom: “Yeah, that’s not ALL you said. Tell her why I’m the love of your life.”

Dad: “I don’t think that’s really appro–”

Mom: “Tell her!”

Dad: “…because she’s the only woman I had a chance at.”

The Man Show-ology 101

| NY, USA | Engaged

(During my training at a jewelry store, an attractive couple comes in and heads right for the wedding bands.)

Me: “Hi, folks. Are you just browsing?”

Bride-to-be: *beaming happily* “We’re getting married in a few months.”

Me: “Congratulations! Is there anything specific you were looking for?”

Husband-to-be: “Yeah. Do you have any that are flesh-colored?”

Bride-to-be: *smacks him in the back of the head*

Husband-to-be: “I mean, do you have any bright gold ones that lets all the women know I’m married?”

Busted Pipes

| Olathe, KS, USA | Infidelity, Marriage & Partners

(My dad is a plumber. One day while trying to fix a clog, he finds a whole bunch of condoms.)

Dad: “I found the cause of your clog. Next time, just throw away your condoms. They don’t dissolve, so it’s bad for the toilet.”

Customer: “But my wife and I don’t use condoms…”

(There’s an awkward silence as the customer mulls over what he’s just said.)

Customer: “I think I’ll be having a talk with my wife now.”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

All’s Well That (Rear) Ends Well

| Florida, USA | Dating

(As I’m standing around with the other servers waiting for our tables to be attended to, I overhear a couple talking as they’re eating.)

Girl: “So you really love me, huh?”

Guy: “Very much so. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Girl: “How much do you love me?”

Guy: “This much!” *extends arms across*

Girl: “That doesn’t quite convince me. How much is that, exactly?”

Guy: “Well, it was supposed to be as big as your a**.”

(The girl yells at him and flicks some refried beans at him.)

Guy: “Hey! I was gonna say as big as my heart, but your butt is bigger.”

Girl: “Awwww!” *kisses him on the cheek and continues eating*

All’s Well That Girlfriends Well