Thank God For Better Halves

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Marriage & Partners

(An older customer calls in for tech support with his satellite receiver.)

Me: “Okay, your signal strength is pretty good.”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “Let’s just verify all your channels are coming in.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Can you please put it on channel 400?”

Customer: “No problem, hold on.” *dials 4-0-0 into the telephone*

Customer’s wife: “Give me that!”

(She gets control of the phone.)

Customer’s wife: *laughing* “So sorry, he’s such an idiot!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

Terms Of Endearment

| Arizona, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I work for an internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. “You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@***.com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get 10 of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir…”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

From Runaway Bride To Ex-Wife

| Texas, USA | Infidelity, Marriage & Partners

(A few years ago I was working at a video store when there were still late fees, and this exchange occurred after I scanned a couple’s rentals:)

Me: “Okay, sir, with the late fee from your last rental, your total is $9.50.”

Husband: “What do you mean a late fee? I ALWAYS return my movies on time, so you need to remove that late fee right now!”

Me: “Well sir, you returned–”

Husband: “I said I ALWAYS return my movies on time and you need to remove that late fee right now! I’m not paying this!”

Me: “Then you won’t be renting these movies tonight. All late fees must be paid before renting again.”

Husband: “I’m NOT paying this, so you better take it off now!”

Wife: “What movie is this late fee for anyway? We ALWAYS return our movies on time!”

Me: “This is for Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts. You rented it on the 6th and it was due on the 11th, but you didn’t return it until the 15th. ”

Husband: “Oh yeah, that’s right, we never got around to watching it. I’ll pay for it.”

Wife: “We never rented Runaway Bride and I was out of town on the 6th.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s showing that Jennifer rented the title.”

Wife: “Who is Jennifer?” *pauses and her face becomes red* “Oh, that b***h!”

(The wife proceeds to slap her husband, takes the keys and drives away, leaving her husband in the store.)

Husband: “Well, I guess I deserved that, huh?”

Me: “Sir, you put your mistress on your account?”

Husband: “Yeah, she likes movies…”

Me: “You are aware that she could have opened her own account for free, right?”

Husband: “Oh s***, really?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

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Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

| Peoria, IL, USA | Dating, Marriage & Partners

(A male customer comes up to the counter with a box of tampons.)

Me: “You should meet my husband. We’ve been married seven years and he’s never bought these.”

Customer: “You should meet my girlfriend.”

Me: “Persuasive?”

Customer: “Scary.”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

Grog Carry Bag, Grog Not Fashion Consultant

| Houston, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

Customer: “What do you think about this bra?”

Customer’s husband: “Umm… sure.”

Customer: “Okay, should I get this one in white or black?”

Customer’s husband: “I don’t know! I don’t wear them, I just take them off of you!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.