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A Bath Full Of Shut Up

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Dating, Popular

(My boyfriend and I just finished eating dinner at a Chinese food restaurant and are reading our fortunes.)

Boyfriend: “Okay, what does yours say?”

Me: “’There is no sorrow in the world that a hot bath wouldn’t help, just a little bit.’ I don’t buy that. If someone I care about dies, I really don’t think a hot bath will make me feel much better.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, that’s true.”

Me: “What about yours?”

Boyfriend: “’Sometimes silence is the loudest kind of noise.’”

Me: “I guess that could be true.”

Boyfriend: “…My fortune cookie just told me to shut up.”

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What A Supersplendidiferous Valentines

| England, UK | Engaged, Popular

(My sister is getting married and my girlfriend goes along to her Hen Night (Bachelorette Party), which coincidentally falls on Valentine’s Day. Since a lot of couples will be apart for Valentine’s Day my sister thinks it will be a great idea to have everyone’s partners write Valentine’s Day messages which can be read out on the night. To make it even more interesting the messages are distributed at random among everyone attending and each person takes a turn to read the messages out loud. So whilst others wrote typical Valentine’s day messages, filled with affection and gooey, squishy declarations of love, I might have decided to go for something a little different.)

Message: “To [My Girlfriend], it is Valentine’s day and as a ridiculous man I must express my feeling for you in a ridiculous way. Which is why I will now make the person reading out this message say the following words for your amusement; Wingardium Leviosa. Honorificabilitudinitatibus. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Happy Valentine’s Day!”

(I was later told that the Maid of Honor was the one who had to read out my message and it took her five attempts to pronounce the entire list, commenting that she had had far too much wine to deal with it. My girlfriend was very amused, so mission accomplished.)

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Date Is Suddenly On Fire

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Advice, Dating, Popular

(I, female, am on a first date with a guy from an online dating site. My roommate, male, and I had signed up on the site at the same time, and have a habit of “safety calling” each other in the middle of dates to make sure everything is going all right. The location for this particular date happens to be about two blocks from where my roommate works as a firefighter. On my way to the restaurant, I turn off the ringer on my phone because my ex-boyfriend is being annoying and calling me, and I want to be in a better frame of mind than dealing with him when I go on this date. Fast-forward about two hours; Date and I are having a fabulous time.)

Waitress: “Um, are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Waitress: *holding out a cordless phone* “I have a [Roommate] on the phone here for you?” *she looks REALLY uncomfortable, like she wondered if that’s my boyfriend on the phone and am I cheating with this guy*

Me: *look of horror on my face* “Oh, no! I turned off my ringer! He’s probably been trying to–! Oh, my God!” *takes phone* “I am SO sorry!”

Roommate: “You’d better be. I haven’t met this guy, I’m on the island until tomorrow, and if you hadn’t answered the phone, you’d have a big red truck showing up at the restaurant. I was going to send the guys to do a welfare check.”

Me: “Thanks, [Roommate]. That wouldn’t have been embarrassing at all.”

Roommate: “Leave your ringer on next time? I was worried.”

Me: “Aww, everything’s going fine. I’ll call you when I’m back at home.” *hangs up, hands phone back to waitress* “So… yeah… that’s the roommate I was telling you about. The one who calls to check in with me on every date?”

Date: “I could hear something about a truck?”

Me: “Yeah… his fire-hall is just up the street, and if he hadn’t been able to get ahold of me, he would have asked them to do a welfare check. Here. At the restaurant.”

Date: “That would have been fun…”

(Cue laughter from both of us. We had a great time on that date, and on the next few, but we didn’t really click. However, the roommate and I have been together for years now, so everything worked out wonderfully in the end!)