The Apex Of Asex Ignorance

| Batavia, NY, USA | Advice, LGBTQ

(I and my fellow female coworker are working a Tuesday night together as hosts. I’m wearing my glasses and no makeup that night.)

Coworker: “Take off your glasses!”

(I oblige.)

Coworker: “You have such pretty eyes! Why don’t you wear contacts? Maybe you could get a boyfriend!”

(She runs off to do something and returns a moment later, having noticed my startled expression.)

Coworker: “…or maybe a girlfriend?”

Me: “Oh! Uh, no. If I ever dated it would be a boy, but I’m actually what’s called asexual, which basically means I don’t find anyone sexy.”

Coworker: *jaw drops* “You don’t find anyone sexy? Like ever?”

Me: “Well, maybe Captain America.”

Coworker: “But how would you have sex?”

Me: “Um, well, there’s other ways to get to that point. Besides, you know I’m a church girl, so I only plan to have sex with my husband anyway.”

(For the rest of the night she continues to prod me, asking kind of invasive questions about my purity pledge and under what circumstances I would have sex, and telling me that she wants to take me out and get me drunk so I can lose my V-Card. I put up with it, thinking she’ll get it out of her system. Unfortunately, it continues two nights later, when I actually am dressed up a little nicer in honor of a favorite movie’s anniversary.)

Coworker: “Oh, you look nice tonight! Is it for the bartender?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Coworker: “You have to admit he’s attractive.”

Me: “Yes, he’s cute. Sure! I’ll admit that. I know when people are handsome.”

Coworker: “But not the ‘s’ word?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Sexy? Still have problems with that word?”

(I roll my eyes and keep working. Later a large family comes in to celebrate their son’s 18th birthday, as they were not allowed into the local casino because he does not have a driver’s license.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey, I wanted to get your number.”

Me: “Oh, sure!”

(I give my number, thinking she wants it for shift changes and stuff. Then I read what she’s written beneath the number.)

Me: “…Happy Birthday?”

Coworker: “I can’t believe you fell for that! I’m giving it to that cutie at table 64.”

Me: “What? Oh, come on! You know he’s 18 and doesn’t have his driver’s license, right?”

Coworker: *pauses* “Well, you’re 21 and still a virgin, so I guess everyone has their own story!”

(For some reason I guess she just took my decision not to have sex really personally!)

My Sassy Friends

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Dating

(My girlfriend and I are meeting my friends for dinner. One of my friends has a habit of agreeing to things and then backing out at the last minute with a lousy excuse. Today is no exception. Otherwise the dinner is going fine until the following conversation happens:)

Friend #1: *to girlfriend* “So what do you see in [My Name]?”

Girlfriend: “He has his s*** together, unlike some people. Cough [Missing Friend] cough.”

Friend #1: “Is that sass? Wow.”

Friend #2: “[My Name], if you dump her, I’m coming over to your place and punching the stupid out of you.”

Me: *to girlfriend* “I think they like you.”

| Canada, Ontario | Unfiltered

(I am female, and have been with my amazing boyfriend for 6 years now. We are both pansexual and very open about things, including me checking other people out. I just tend to be more vocal about it than he is.This takes place at a restaurant right after our male server takes our order.)

Boyfriend: “He looks really familiar. I wonder if I know him from somewhere.”

Me: “I was thinking the same thing….That and he is positively adorable!”

Boyfriend: *Nods* “Yes he is.”

(I look at him)

Boyfriend: “….What?”

Me: I love you!

Separately Together

| Lubbock, TX, USA | Bromance

(I’m a server at a popular Mexican restaurant. This couple comes in to have a nice evening out. I can tell it’s a first date situation by their conversation. It seems to be going fine. It’s the end of the meal.)

Me: “Is the check together or separate?”

(Guy and Girl at the same time:)

Girl: “Together.”

Guy: “Separate.”

(I brought the checks separated. The guy gave me a 20. The girl didn’t sign her receipt.)

Getting Biblical With You

, | St. Louis, MO, USA | Flirting/How We Met

(I am the cashier. The first customer is a teenage girl, about 18 and 6’0″, who is wearing a leather jacket and skinny jeans, and basically has the “motorcycle babe look” to her. Customer #2 is a 5’2:” man who looks about 15, at the most. The third customer is a middle age man in a suit and tie.)

Customer #1: “And I’ll take a chicken sandwich with a small concrete mix, please.”

Customer #3: “Don’t eat like that or your man will be stuck with a fatty wife.”

Customer #1: *turns to look at Customer #2* “Aww, gee, looks like I like guys and not girls now.”

(It’s pretty obvious that they don’t know each other, but Customer #2 goes along with it.)

Customer #2: “Wow, that thing that your mom did at the church really worked!!”

Customer #3: “That is against the bible, you devil. How about I show you what a real good time is?”

(Customer #1 has been slouching up until then, but then straightens her back to her full 6’0″.)

Customer #1: “What would be in it for me?”

(Customer #3 marches out muttering about the bible and how he gets plenty of women.)