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He’s Worth Every Penny

| WA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I are out to eat. I don’t remember why, but we are talking about the financial aspect of eating.)

Me: “I get uncomfortable going to restaurants; it’s so expensive. I feel like an old person who’s angry that you can’t buy candy for a penny anymore.” *self-deprecating laugh*

Girlfriend: “You are the most – frugal isn’t a negative word, is it? You are the most frugal person I know.”

Me: “Really? Am I? I don’t think of myself as frugal. I’m pretty liberal with my other expenses.”

Girlfriend: “Well, from what I see of your spending, you’re even more frugal than [Stereotypically Cheap Grandpa]. And he buys rotten food because it’s cheaper.”

Me: “Wait. I can maybe get behind me being frugal, but how is he second to me?”

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Makes You Want To Ice Scream

| MB, Canada | Flirting, Popular

(I work in a little, family-owned ice cream shop and, during this incident, I am working alone. While the shop owner is there with me, at this particular time he is just outside, chatting with some friends. It’s not uncommon for us to get bikers coming in. Though they look intimidating, they’re usually extremely lovely customers and I enjoy it when they come in. Two men ride up on motorcycles, both decked out in tattoos and leather. They’re a father-son duo, about 60 years old and 40, respectively. I greet them as they come in.)

Father: “Well, look at you, pretty in pink!

Me: “Thank you! Is there anything I can get for you or do you need some time to look at our selection?”

Father: Depends. Are you on the menu?

(I’m a 20-year-old girl, but I have a serious case of baby-face, so even with make-up on, I can barely pass for sixteen or seventeen.)

Me: “Uh… no.”

Son: “That’s a shame. I’d like to have you for dessert.”

(They order and, as I go to make their ice cream, they continue making extremely sexual comments about me. I don’t put any effort into hiding my discomfort, but they continue.)

Me: *handing them their ice cream AND trying to get them out of there as quickly as possible* “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

Son: “How old are you, sweetheart? Sixteen?”

Me: “No. Twenty, actually. Is there—“

Father: “Twenty? I never would’ve thought.”

Son: “Me, neither. I guess I don’t have to feel so bad about the things I was imagining doing with you.”

(Between the tone of voice, the hand gesture he makes, and the wink, there’s no mistaking what he means.)

Father: “Same.”

(I was too horrified to respond, and they left to eat their ice cream on the patio. They came in quite a few times, asking for everything from napkins to whether I could show them where our bathroom is (we don’t have one, fortunately) before they left. I wanted nothing more than to go for a long, hot shower to wash the memory of that encounter. One good thing that did come out of it, though, is that the store’s owner told me that if a customer ever treats me that way again, I’m allowed to refuse service!)

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Will Suddenly Find Himself Out-Of-Date

| USA | Dating, Popular

(I was asked out on a date by a guy that seemed a bit weird, but perfectly normal. For some reason, maybe nervousness, he starts talking nonstop.)

Date: *discussing adult films*

Me: “That’s not appropriate.”

Date: *starts talking his bed habits*

Me: “That’s nice?”

Date: *gets out phone and starts reciting lyrics at me*

Me: “Please stop.”

(Thankfully the food comes, but my date started wolfing it down with his hands like a dog, burping and farting loudly, STILL talking.)

Date: “We should go to a hotel together.”

Me: “Are you serious? Yeah, I’m going to go.”

Date: “Why? Don’t you think I’m hot?”

Me: “No.” *leaves*

(He had the nerve to text me, asking for numbers of any of my single girlfriends! I stayed away from dating men for a while after that. Maybe he was trying to amuse me, but I wasn’t amused…)

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What Your Uterus Can Do To Us

| MA, USA | Exes/Old Flames, Popular

(My ex is trans and was living as male for most of our relationship; however, about a year before we broke up she started her transition. We first started dating in high school, and around that time, I would have horrific period pain, sometimes to the point of immobility. I was able to identify and overcome the cause of it, but it was quite memorable. Some time after our break up, we are out to dinner and discussing how she feels about her transition so far.)

Me: “If I die young, I’ll leave you my uterus in my will.”

Ex: “I don’t want YOURS! I’ve seen what it’s done to you!”

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Some Proper Meaty Puns

| Elk Grove, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Punny

(My boyfriend and I are doodling on paper while we wait for our food. We both love puns.)

Me: “I luff you!”

Boyfriend: “Meat loaf you, too.”

(I think he’s a keeper!)