Not To Be Pushy…

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Marriage & Partners

(My boyfriend and I go out for sushi. When I got dressed that morning I grabbed the my last clean bra out of the drawer, which happened to be a padded pushup bra normally for “special occasions” – I usually don’t wear them because I’m already a DD.)

Me: “My back hurts.”

Husband: “How so?”

Me: “Sort of the sides. Kind of here, where my kidneys are.”

(I twist slightly in my seat and put my hands on my lower back.)

Husband: *silence*

Me: “Hon?”

Husband: “Sorry, um, just, you stretched and your boobs look really good in that top. I got distracted.”

Me: “You see them all the time!”

Husband: “But I never get tired of them…”

OMG Love

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are leaving a restaurant. She suddenly starts laughing loudly.)

Me: “What?”

Wife: “Look at the first part of that license plate across from us.”

Me: “DMF?”

Wife: “Yeah, what does that mean to you?”

Me: “Dumb Mother F***er?”

Wife: “HA! Me, too. That’s why I love you!”

(I guess we have perfectly matched bad attitudes!)

Brunch With Evil Stepmother

| USA | Fights/Breakups

(I am at breakfast with my fiancé right after we got our marriage license. Instead of talking to each other and enjoying the morning, we had the joy of sitting next to this gem of a couple…)

Lady: “You know, I don’t get why she insists on staying with us. It’s not like she’s your close family…”

Man: “Um… it’s my daughter. I think she’s close family.”

Lady: “Whatever! She’s lived with her mom for the last few years. What the difference now? Besides, she’s 14 and I don’t want any teenagers in my house. She’s gonna need a lot of attention and be all dramatic and I just can’t deal with that right now. I won’t get to see you as much because you’ll spend all your time with that brat.”

Man: “Yeah, okay… we’re done here. I’m leaving.”

(He gets up, leaves, and sticks her with the check. She then proceeds to call someone complaining how he’s a jerk that’s selfish that won’t let her be a good step mother.)

Marriage Can Be Taxing

| Rehoboth Beach, DE, USA | Marriage & Partners

(During a day trip to the boardwalk, my husband and I are discussing where to eat dinner.)

Husband: “How about [Sushi House]?”

Me: “I don’t know… It’s pretty expensive there.”

Husband: “It’s only a little more than it is at [Sushi House Back Home.]”

Me: “It’s about half-again as expensive.”

Husband: “It’s not that bad. Let’s go, and I’ll prove it.”

(Later at the sushi house…)

Husband: *looking over the menu* “The [appetizer] is $9. That’s not too bad. How much is it at [Sushi House Back Home?]”

Me: “Six.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “Half-again as expensive.”

Husband: “Well, we’ll just call it a ‘beach’ tax.”

Me: “How about we call it a ‘[Husband] doesn’t listen’ tax?”

Husband: *joking* “That’s not a real tax!”

Me: *deadpan* “Then, why have I been paying it for ten years?”

Cracking Down On Bad First Dates

| UT, USA | Flirting/How We Met

(I recently reconnect with an old high school friend. He asks me out on a date so we can catch up. I agree, and everything is going great. We live in a really religious community, so we are laughing about something our neighbors said.)

Me: “Haha, yeah, they think you’re quite the rebel for having a beer.”

Him: “They think that’s rebellious? They don’t even know about my crack habit!”

(I laugh because I think he’s joking, but then I realize…)

Me: “Seriously?”

Him: “Yeah, I got offered some back when I was in college, and it was really great.”

Me: “Haha… okay.”

(Who tells someone about a crack habit on the first date?)